Yesterday, I Was Broken

Broken [adj.] having given up all hope; despairing.

Yesterday, sunlight streamed through my windows and onto my large cup of tea, which I sipped serenely. Light reflected off every wall, warmed the beige curtains and my relaxed cheeks, evolving me into a cocoon akin to wrapping myself in blankets on a winter’s night. But then, I remembered –the raspy bitterness, unbearable pain and acute hopelessness of those surrounding me; streaks of black staining their cheeks with their innermost confessions, laced with gritted teeth and wide eyes. Butterflies barged against my ribcage relentlessly, the sweetness of the tea with two-spoons-of-sugar subsiding, sunlight no longer comforting.

Yesterday, accusations of possessing a heart composed of ice were flung at me. While my mother passionately wept for lost souls on news reports, I viewed them as mere numbers; a fact I had no capacity of changing, and should therefore ignore. This apathy defined my character. Maybe this was the evident conclusion–perhaps there was, indeed, something uncanny about my heart and its persistent avoidance of emotions. It took this entire year to recognise the truth: I feel too deeply.

Yesterday, my soul gravitated towards broken people, or theirs to mine–whichever it is, I am not quite sure. I cut myself on their sharp pieces and tenderly stroked sore spots, letting their emotions gulf my own fragmented heart to dilute their emotions. Simultaneously, I verbalised the right words with honey-covered hope and sugary faith. But the emotions linger. Once they latched onto my heart, they had no intention of separating. Soon, this pain I absorbed becomes my own; scattered feelings prevent myself from functioning, often for multiple days in a row.

Yesterday, delusions of broken people preoccupied my time. Those who depicted the slightest trait of insecurity, lack of wholeheartedness or possessed evident fear received my attention and care. In the process, I became friends with mismatched personalities, recognising only afterwards that our closeness was derived from my constant desire to fix them: I’d worry about their jagged pieces, uncover methods to assist the mending, and in essence, lose myself in them. With time, they piece themselves together and finally acknowledge the light once again; meanwhile, their darkness has suffocated me.

Yesterday, I realised that my ethereal gravitation towards broken people reveals a great amount about myself: this constant desire to help others offers distraction from my own problems. Amidst being preoccupied with issues beyond myself and responsibility, I neglect my own brokenness. Perhaps the reason behind my attraction to shattered pieces is to fill the void within myself –one, I recently found, cannot be mended with anything else except self-love.

Yesterday, I learnt one thing: you cannot fix people. They need to fix themselves. But you can love them dearly and accept them for who they are, including their shattered pieces.

***

Yesterday, I was broken, caught in a desperate routine of fixing surrounding people to avoid personal issues, allowing darkness to overshadow glimpses of light on my cheeks. I did not deserve sunlight –or so I felt. My only happiness was derived from other smiles, temporarily masking the emptiness within myself, before eventually crackling to dust; these short-lived bursts of happiness were never permanent.

Today, I am not quite healed, but I accept the sunlight warming my cheeks. Whether I’m worthy of this profound light, or if darkness is more suitable no longer poses a question. Tenderness settles within the environment, the mirror, and the light. I drink my tea in serenity without my mind inexplicably venturing through an interminable tunnel with no exit.

Tomorrow, I will love myself unconditionally, wholeheartedly, and offer the same acceptance to those around me. Although I will never stop empathising with others –while I initially considered this trait a curse, I’ve recently acknowledged it as a beautiful gift–the constant need to fix them would fade. I will embrace every shower of light, perceiving the brilliance as a reflection of myself.

The only person I can fix is myself; little by little, the light will become my essence, my definition.

***

OTHER GOALS TO BE RESOLVED:

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22 thoughts on “Yesterday, I Was Broken

  1. THIS-IS-EVERYTHING-I-EVER-WANTED-TO-SAY ! Like I cannot fathom how accurate it is, I was thinking of all these things but couldn’t put it into words.
    I would love to share this on my blog if you allow me to. But not like A Re-blog I want it to be a proper post with your introduction and the blog’s mention. Please let me know if you are willing! I would love to have you on my blog as a part of ‘Talent Hub’ 🙂

    • Hi Zee,
      Yes, you have my permission to repost this blog-post. 😀 Furthermore, you are also welcome to reuse my introduction, too –unless you’d like me to write another one, in which case I’m happy to do that, too.
      Something else: if you do choose to repost this post, I’d love to hear how it relates to you. Personal experiences, such as these, are universal. Given that it doesn’t delve into uncomfortable matters, of course. 🙂

      • You can do how ever you like, If you wanna write something about the post or yourself please do. If you want me to write it I’ll do it. No problem.

        And Yes absolutely I would love to explain why this sits so well with me. But the reasons are all explained in your post lol It’s like you wrote whatever was on my mind and there is nothing left for me to say 😀

        Thanks a lot Ramisa for being kind enough to let me feature this on my blog. I really appreciate it ❤

      • Ooh, would you be able to write my introduction? 🙂 I’m a little lost as to how I’d approach it, hahaha, and it appears more natural when the host writes it. 😀

        Ahh, that’s fine! I’m sure you can add more of your own personal experiences to the mix; that would be fantastic to read.

        And thank YOU for offering me this amazing opportunity. ❤

      • I will just copy paste some of your own words from your ‘About Me’ page if that is alright. None of us has to write the introduction again like that! Haha!

        And it is very rare that words truly connect with me and yours did. So I absolutely had to share it on my blog! I’ll post it on New Year ! It’d be a nice note to start the year like that, Don’t you think? 🙂

      • Hooray for no work! *high fives*

        And aww, thank you so much for your kind words. I would love to read your own input on New Years’ 😀

        Happy New Years’ Eve! ❤ (well, according to my time-zone, anyway 😉 )

      • So I’m done with the post, It’s ready. I’ll post it today around 6:30’ish (my time) ! 😀

        And Happy New Years Eve to you too. It’s the same here. I thought we were in the same time zone, Aren’t we? I’m from Pakistan. 🙂

      • Oh my, I saw this after you posted it, hahaha!
        I live in Australia, so the timezones may vary. I believe Australia’s a lot further ahead. It’s like that splendid quote:
        “Don’t worry if the world ends today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”
        Unfortunately, if the world ends here in Australia, then we’re doomed. 😉

      • Zee! So sorry for the late reply.
        I am from Bangladesh, so quite literally beside Pakistan. 😉 I’m assuming you’re from Pakistan, yes, yes yes? 😀

      • Hahaha yes yes yes, I AM from Pakistan ! lol
        Great to know we are neighbors 😉

        Sorry for the late reply, this time around I was away on break. Hope you are doing great. It’s been a while, will soon visit your blog to see what you have been up to.
        Much love,
        Zee ❤

      • Ahh, we are neighbours! 😀
        I’m doing great, thank you. Yourself? And break –you lucky duck! I hope that was fantastic. 🙂
        I’ll be checking out your blog too ❤

      • The break was from the blog, not from studies or life. You can read what I was up to in my post whenever you visit my blog, I whined about everything enough in the post so better not do it here lol

      • Hahahahahaha! That’s always a fantastic break to have. Virtual ones are needed as well 😉
        I’m heading off to your blog now 😀

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