Advice Column (1): Insecurity, Relationships and Loneliness

Yesterday, I found an anonymous message in my Tumblr inbox asking about advice regarding insecurity, relationships and loneliness. It definitely struck a chord; their words seemed to mirror my own. I haven’t received another message from them (yet), so I’m unsure whether they’ve seen my response –regardless, I wanted to share this response with my WordPress friends, in hopes it may help you.

hi, i just wondered if perhaps you could help me as you seem fairly poetic and knowledgable. Is it normal to feel insecure all the time? I seem to be holding onto friendships where I put them as first priority when I’m probably second choice or worse. Is it normal to feel jealous and possessive when others hang out with my friends? Why do I feel so afraid of isolation and being alone. Books used to be my best friend but not anymore. Now I crave security and attention. Is this normal. Is this ok.

My dearest Anon, this message felt like a mirror of my own thoughts and experiences.

This insecurity you are currently facing… it’s 100% normal but, as you’ve undoubtedly realised, feels absolutely dreadful. Unfortunately, I don’t have a quick-fix solution for this, but I know the underlying problem: a lack of self-love.

In my own experience, I lost myself in other people, in hopes that somehow me loving them would result in requited love. That is not always the case. But here’s the thing: even with every ounce of love being requited, I would continue to feel insecure, lonely and discontent with my relationships, and that’s because I didn’t love myself. Receiving love from every single thing in existence is meaningless until you learn to love yourself —and when you start loving yourself, you can truly feel secure in every relationship.

These friendships of yours are optional, your family’s love is optional, society’s approval is optional; if you can master self-love, you are complete within yourself. 🙂

Also, gentle reminder that self-love and self-confidence are not interchangeable –they are actually two different things. Despite having a high self-esteem, I had, prior to taking conscious effort to improve it, very little self-love.

Self-love is defined as: regard for one’s own well-being and happiness.

Currently, it seems as if you are regarding your friends’ well-being and happiness at the expense of yourself, which although sounds altruistic on paper, is nothing short of destruction for you. It will bring pain to a higher degree. I need to be firm on this, because one of the most important things for you to do is to redefine boundaries in all your relationships, and any relationships that are hurting you.

The beautiful thing about self-love is, if you can reach the optimal point, you can give every part of yourself freely without pain. But until then, you need these boundaries; they will be your security.

Also, the fact you’re a reader resonates heavily with me. I, too, used to be an avid reader before reaching senior year (lol, schoolwork will be the death of me). What this suggests to me is this: you are a deep person who finds solace in deep conversations with deep people. Just a generalisation, and possibly not applicable, but I want you to make friends whom you can talk about deep subjects with. (I’d love to be your friend <3). But perhaps what you crave, more than anything, is that deep connection with another human. The reason I read books is to immerse in this feeling.

I’m a little concerned about why you stopped reading, dearest Anon. It’s always during the darker times of my life (with the exception of this year) where I stopped reading, because I’d lost who I am. I hope you’re okay, Anon. Please message me (even in Anon form, if that makes you more comfortable).

I’m sending you positive vibes from here. ❤

– – –

While I may not always be helpful, I’m happy to receive questions/requests for advice via Tumblr. That way, you can select the “Anonymous” button. 🙂

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